Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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