I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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