She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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