before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
