Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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