4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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