let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
