I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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