and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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