I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
