remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
