My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Found your dick twin last night
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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