frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize