I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize