Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
