I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
