The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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