I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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