I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
