Moan for me like Helen Keller
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
