Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
