Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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