i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
