The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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