Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
