im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
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