I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
