Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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