I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize