my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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