did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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