They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize