i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
