too bad you live with your parents still
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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