K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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