i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you never un-have a 4some
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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