i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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