Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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