also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We're too hungover to prance.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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