DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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