I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
