I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
