census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
