You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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