Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
