The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
