I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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