he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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