i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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