Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize