I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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