You're completely useless in the revolution.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
