I will die if light touches me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How does it feel to date your dad?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
