I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
