Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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