I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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