It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
