Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
