you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
