y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
