What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
