the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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