woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
